Month 12 Day 30

We touched down in Manas, and as I got off the plane I didn’t
instantly start to sweat.  As I inhaled I remembered the feeling I had
when I touched down in Parris Island in 2003.  It was like breathing
liquid.  The air didn’t smell like the dead air out of a hair-dryer,
you could smell life in it. This is a ‘Stan no doubt, but I felt like
I stepped into the apogee of civilization.

We were trundled into busses and then into a briefing tent where we
were repeatedly admonished by an obese Airman-First class not to take
our rifles of pistols anywhere we went, not to the linen facility, not
to the smoke pit, and not to the gym, just lock them up and put a
guard on them (though we were also advised that females could not
guard male’s weapons in their ‘dorms’ as the USAF calls them).  A few
of the Marines even tried to use the restroom down one of the halls
and were reprimanded by Air Force personnel.  What a different world.
We had a brief from a US Army sergeant in workout gear about customs
and were told “when in doubt throw it out” and that our bayonets would
be confiscated if we put them in our carry-ons, though our rifles and
pistols were somehow fine.  We were told that this was a salute-base,
but that transient personnel were not allowed off base because of the
threat from locals (though the permanent personnel go out in town in
civilian clothes routinely).  Incongruously, the US Air Force
considers this a combat zone and all the pay accrued while here is
non-taxable and they get all of the same benefits we did in
Afghanistan.  Most stupidly, we were briefed about the alcohol on
base, every other service branch gets to have a beer on the way home,
but not the USMC, the guys who really need a drink.  It’s a different
war.

We took our gear out, put it in big boxes for customs, and went to
chow, it was now 0500.

After chow I stayed awake for a while.  I wanted to get back onto
California time.  I didn’t got to  sleep until 0700, I took a bunch of
Melatonin.  Woke around midday, took some more and slept until 1500.

I went to the gym.  On the way I slipped out a side gate onto a
running path that had a view of the mountains which was constantly
patrolled by USAF personnel.  The gym was packed and circadian rhythm
was all screwed up, so my workout sucked.

I came back and had some chow in the chow hall with the veritable
mountain of chocolate (I took a picture), and now I’m back catching up
on E-mails and writing this.

I am going to try to pull an all-nighter and keep trying to get back
on CA time.

We’ll see.

Month 12 Day 24

Left Dwyer this morning.

I could really feel the excitement from the new guys about going.
They were ready to get their first taste of combat, and Lt Love kept
talking about combat action ribbons.  I was not feeling the same.  I
just wasn't feeling right about going.  I was worried about a couple
of spots on our route that were pretty useless to go through, and were
dangerous, but the LtCol wanted to go through them anyway.

We went to Marjeh in the morning. It has really hollowed out since the
Marines have left.  They built a massive OCC-D for them, a center
where all of the different security entities can come together, but
there were only about 6 guys in there.  Similar to the CCOC. I dropped
off some IR strobes to the British Legacy guys and let Lt Siegel come
in on a white horse so to speak and deliver them.

We then moved to Fiddler's Green.  The Kandak mentor team had just
returned.  They were trying to move a few of their soldiers around the
battlespace from one position to another.  when the soldiers arrived
at the new postion and found out that there was no A/C, they decided
to just leave and come back to the headquarters and deal with their
upset commanders.

We moved on to Nawa. I saw a couple of fake 'graves' on the side of
the road as we were making our way to the fob, they were clearly
markers for IEDs. We walked through the new combined COC here as well.
 It is a huge artifice, but none of the Afghans are in the giant
offices that we built for them.  It looks great on a tour, but there
is minimal work actually being done here.  They did have one success a
few days ago, the Afghans from one of the PBs snatched up a few
Taliban driving by after they were told by the CF they were coming.
We talked to the kandak mentor team in Nawa.  They were having some
problems with the contracts to build the permanent facility here in
Nawa.  The bricks are low quality, the electrical is fucked, and the
mortar is wrong, but these buildings are far from sub-par by Afghan
standards. By that measure they are great, but some Navy Chief from
Leatherneck wants to pull them all down because they don't look like
American ones.  What do you want American buildings, or buildings
built by Afghans?  This is as good as it gets.  The other funny thing
that came up in conversation was that When the Kandak commander, Gul
Ahmad talked about building the new jail he said
"I only want two rooms one for detainees and one for my soldiers."
I guess this was immediately following an incident where two of his
soldiers dressed up as civilians, tried to shake someone down, but one
of the civilians said
"Hey, why do you have ANA boots on?"
The soldiers fled and the civilian told the battalion commander, to
his credit he locked them up for a couple of weeks.

Had milkshakes at dinner-yum.

20110824B

The day ended with the “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engval, Larry the Cable Guy and one other dude.  It was low brow humor most of the time, but really good natured even with the occasional bodily function joke.   By the end, my cheeks were hurting. 

When I stood up to return the DVD the Major, LtCol and Gunny were behind me and Josh.  Maj Davidson asked me.

“Isn’t it past your bedtime?”

“Yes, but I make exceptions”

“This is like vacation, eh?”

“Basically, the chow is better, there is no work to do, there is a huge TV, free stuff and a big gym.  That’s a vacation if I have ever had one.”

Month 9 Day 29

I tried to meet up with the teachers again, and again class was not in session.  It was the time for class, but they claimed that all of their students had been let out (this is 40 minutes into what is supposed to be an hour-long class). 

I did some digging about this prisoner, he was some guy with some connection to the Taliban foud with three AK-47s.  The legal officer was not tracking on him.  He didn’t realize he was in lock-up.  Salim was gone toMarjeh, as was the XO so I couldn’t speak to them. 

It is very difficult to train people when they are not around.

I kind of got into it with Capt Brawny again yesterday about retirement. He’s like “I contracted with the USMC and agreed that I would be able to retire at 20…” I’m like “really, I don’t remember signing any such thing. No one promised you pay raises, benefits etc, a statute appoints you and a statute pays you, if they change either of those statues then, they are ok to do that, it’s not a contract.”

The power kept cutting in and out, and with my guys absent there was little that I could do.  To be honest I was ok with that.  I am tired, really tired, and I am in an existential funk.  Saying it like that makes it seem like an overeducated, pampered college student problem, maybe it is.  I don’t see the point of all of this, that should be no surprise, but I have been wrestling with the broader point of existence.  Is it God? OK, but why, ‘we are built to serve him and make him happy’ ok, well outside of that making God seem like quite a self-absorbed guy I still don’t really get it.  I don’t viscerally understand why, and most important, why me, if that is the generic task for everyone, then why is my existence essential.  Could it be something else, could it be as simple as the selfish gene and it’s desire to replicate, reproduce more efficiently and enlightened self-interest.  While that may be true it is equally hollow, especially for a guy who will probably not have kids, try to cull other’s bloodlines, etc. 

I get into a pattern of work.  Just find things to do, things to pass the time, things to try to do my job because I know I am supposed to but it all lacks meaning.

I am tired

Month 9 Day 28

Notebook entry

Teachers, met with three/nine, stuff with regimental combat team, after action report, biometric automated tool set, Naikpai threats, teachers no class (already left), prisoner no impact no idea, executive officer and intelligence officer gone

Journal Entry

Suzan brought up a good point when we talked this morning.  I mentioned that I thought that I might get free tuition in California because I am getting the combat action ribbon (after further research this is not the case).  But it seems like I am milking the system.  Maybe my principled stance is in fact bullshit.  I do think that we get paid too much for the benefit we give the country.  I do think we get a lot of benefits, but I haven’t turned in my paycheck, I haven’t paid back my GI Bill.  Maybe I’m just as bad as the rest of them, my motivations are just as muddled, they started out as God, Country and Corps, now its that and getting paid, maybe as we continue on in this it changes for everyone.  Maybe by the time you get to CaptBrawny’s number of years those idealistic goals are completely gone.  I spoke to him yesterday about Sec Gates possibly raising the age at which military guys get a pension until they are 60.  That didn’t sound unreasonable to me, it is what everyone else gets.  He said, sure it makes sense for someone who hasn’t done the time.  Maybe we don’t start as mercenaries, but we all become them. Maybe it’s a creeping thing that you don’t ever notice and you get used to saying God, Country and Corps, but silently, smoothly the self slips in and grows to consume the others.  They still sit in your mind as idle platitudes but that is all they are. 

Maybe I am a hypocrite and just as bad as them, but the thing is about a hypocrite, you should still listen to them because they are still right no matter their faults, but I know that people don’t. 

20110528

I met up with the teachers.  They told me their class schedule. It was during the time that I was meeting with them and there was only one student in the room.  They were saying that the rest of the students regularly get pulled from class for missions, formation etc.  This is understandable, but there does not seem to be a lot of flex in the schedule, they only really have one night class. 

The new mentors from 3/6 I think it is came out, they are going to Marjeh.  The intel mentor was an 0302 2ndLt who was pretty useless.  He was not really interested in listening to how things worked and what he was going to face, he was more interested in trying to make the ANA look just like the USMC.  He was also just told that he was going to be taking on the intel mentorship piece that morning.  You will get out what you put in…

I took the IED that hit my truck and the video scout back to the RCT.  Maj Hesco completely ignored me when I walked past.  I think he is really jealous.  Hah

The BATs system was down hard and Lekic did not let me know.  He just sat in front of two dead computers for two hours.  He is a good kid, but he can really be a Lance Corporal at times, by which I mean he will do exactly what he is told, nothing more and nothing less.

I proofread a piece of Naikpai’s application to go to America.  As part of it he had to let them know whether he had any threats made against him.  Interestingly he believe that the Army has been infiltrated by the Taliban, that the ANA knowing  him is enough of a threat for him to fear for his life.  He also mentioned pictures taken of him by locals and threats he received while working on a tip line.  I feel for these guys.  I do, but I can’t get over the fact that we are causing a major brain-drain on the country by taking them out while moving them to America where they will only be marginally employable.  They are brilliant for Afghans, but no where near the standard they need to be for America.

Brian's most prized kill, a rat that had plagued our tent

Month 9 Day 17

Notebook Entry

None

Journal Entry

We were all able to sleep in for a little while today though for some reason my body wouldn’t let me  sleep past 0730. I went to the gym convinced a nice old Russian lady to le me do y laundry same day and then set about the task of trying to contact our escorts.  I tried dsn, svoip, bft, it was all a mess and none of it was working, or wasn’t being monitored. I finally I just looked up bodik ratislav, the Slovak who was our poc for rc sw and let him know my cell phone number.

While was searching around trying to find a sipr phone I ran into some of the 205 corps advisory team staff.  They are structured very similarly to what we are, but there are a lot more countries out here. The anglosphere seems to take thebrunt, there are brits, aussies, and Canadians, but that is about it.

I managed to talk to their legacy guys, as always they were a bunch of lively Brits.  They said that their collectors were doing pretty well, they were still developing a lot of sources in Qandahar proper. They had issues with the hierarchy just like I did. Somebody in their chain made off with all of their source funding as well and bought himself a villa in Kabul. They had similar problems to me with their collectors being turned into provisional riflemen.  Afte the Qandahar prison break the MICO for the 205^th corps were manning the guard towers, not out collecting and trying to get information on the guys who had escaped. 

I had lunch with a british sergeant and warrant officer who were involved with running an academy to train senior  Afghan Staff NCOs.  They gave me a different perspective on the unpartnering of the Qalat brigade.  They flatly said that they did not think it was going to work. They had all of the same problems with their ncos that we do with everyone, them trying to get out of training by using prayer time as an excuse when ordinarily they would not pray for days.  Them working from 0930-1100 and 1400-1600 if you are lucky.  Them making up health problems and other reasons not to train.  They see the same problems with literacy.  They bemoan the decision to go with Quantity over quality. On the bright side they were half-way through their six month deployment, ready to take their R&R and at the end they got to look forward to decompression on Cyprus.

 Capt Brawny, Cpl Bryan, and Naikpai are all going to stay back to try to get tractor-trailors for the major end items that are being towed.  The lift is going to come from the USMC, this is not a shock to me because despite what the Major seems to think these army guys don’t give a shit what Marine Generals get pissed off about. Unless its coming down from Gen Petraus, they are not going to give a shit.

I caught up with an army majr who was the 215^th corps G-2 advisor. Hwe was knew and didn’t know mch but knew that his guys were not ready to transition. I made link-up with our escors from the 10^th mtn division.

I want to talk for a moment about that ied blast the other day.  For the first time in a long time I felt fear, yes real fear as the VC  for the lead truck.  Some people feel exhilarated after near death experiences, and I don’t want to overdratize the ied blast, but it was so very personal, I thought the blst hit my truck, I was checking round to see if all my guys were ok. when we pressed on with me in the lead, I didn’t show the fear to my marines, I didn’t even vocalize it, I did an after acino with them so that they could learn what I did, but later an hour or two later driving down the same stretch of road, I felt fear. I felt I wanted to get out. I felt like this was all so stupid, why were people dedicating their lives to killing me, and why was I dedicated to killing them.  Obiously I knew all of the reasons, I knew the theories I knew their own religion better than them, but at that personal man to man level it just seemed like such a waste. Today when I sat down in the mwr to read the news everything seemed just a little more pale a littlemore trivial.  I didn’t want it to.  I wanted to want things, simple things that make people happy.  I thought of Suzan, she makes me so happy. I felt like thinking about our house, our lives the new experiences that we will have some day that they were just less important.  I hate this feeling.  I wondered to myself what it is all for, why is it all here, what for.  Obviously I know the anthropological and relious explanations, but that blast somehow hit a reset button.  I don’t want to push this down, I don’t want to push it away. I want to understand and that is why I write this.