Month 12 Day 16

Notebook entry


14 reports given, sleep of excitement, where from, class with Qais Salim no-show, Munir no-show






Journal entry


I woke up still tired because I had slept an excited sleep the night
before. I don't know why it was so exciting. It was great to be able
to call the guys out. I don't know why that gave me such a surge of
exhilaration.

In the morning I woke up to two E-mails one from the Gunny and one
from the LtCol, the LtCol ensured that 'maximum punishment' woudl be
metted out, and the Gunny said that it was not a good career move. I
stored that E-mail. In Gmail.

That stirred up the hornets nest. the LtCol ordered me to recall the
E-mail austensibly because the RCT-5 guys were on it and tried to
assert in conversation that the Gunny's E-mail was not about career
moves even though the text says as much, twice. Brawny said I
offended him and called me a punk, he said my 'perspective' was all
skewed. When I reminded him that he had told me that he came here
because he thought it would give him a better shot at getting selected
for Major after being passed over, he started talking about how he
just wanted what he had been told he would get, he needed his pension.
Ah and there's the rub,
'I may not be a good communications officer, but I've worked hard, and
I've had a string of shitty bosses who don't evaluate me fairly.'
'OK, but if you are not very good at it, and you are in it to serve
your country then shouldn't you bow out?'
'I have been promised this, I've got a family'
'OK, but is that the American taxpayers responsibility, how are you
different from a glorified welfare recipient?'
'You're perspective is all wrong, I've been doing this for seventeen
years and I've got to put my family first, I need that money."
'That's fine, but how is that different than the desicion the guys
from Blackwater make?'
'I see it as different.'
And then he left.

The day was abuzz with conversations about pensions. It's funny how
many guys took my E-mails to heart, Steve, John Soltz, the gunny, and Capt
Brawny all said it was directed at them personally. In truth, it was
directed at all of them, but it was good to see that they finally see
the inherent conflict between their large paychecks, generous
pensions, and 'service.' It's all about heart condition. Capt
Brawny told me one other thing, that a bunch of guys were pissed off
at me. I told him that I didn't care (Asberger's has its benefits).
It's hard to care about what people think when you don't respect their
values. God, Family, Country, Corps. That's the hierarchy, if
something is in conflict you must bow out of the lower responsibility,
but you are not supposed to have the hierarchy God, Family,
laziness/fear of the unknown, Country, Corps. That's what the real
hierarchy is when you try to dick the country for the sake of your
family, you can do other things, you are just scared, and you are
making that everyone else's problem. Grow some balls and step out. I'm
not leaving the Marine Corps, the Marine Corps has left me.

In the morning I worked with Qais. He has been having some eye
allergy problems, but he still showed up. CJ Radin sent Sgt Salima from
the RCT over here. I sent him back because I had been ordered not to
supply one of our linguists to the RCT because their linguists are
screwing our linguists by claiming they can't work during the fast.
Sgt Salim came into the class for a moment, then left, he is
protesting because I pulled him out of the drivers course. He really
wanted that certificate so he could get a license in Kabul. He knows
how to drive, he took the seat from Amir Dad, the soldier, whose job
it is to drive, and is going to use his certificate of attendance to
try to get benefits that it was never intended to provide. The XO,
Munir, and Bashir all said, just let him finish the course. This must
be some odd Afghan way of thinking. I said to all of them.
"What is that going to teach him, that if you do the wrong thing with
the wrong motives for a week, then it becomes ok?"

Went to an uncomfortable chow with Graham, Brian, and Lt Love. The
Gorilla in the room was that Graham was still pissed that I called him

out for being a pussy when he always talks about trying to be 'tough'
and how his boys need to be "tough."

I worked on some turnover stuff in the afternoon. With Maj Neller,
showing him the complicated personnel database I created to track the
whole brigade to make sure they are not lying about the number of
leave days they have taken.

Munir didn't show up for class, at the time he chose. I'm shocked.

Watched a TED last night. It was from the founder of transparency
international, it was about western countries and corporations bribing
third world officials and being explicitly involved in corruption. I
thought it was fitting.






E-mails Mentioned (PPT is also in Gmail)





Where has my Marine Corps gone? A couple of references for you Pete
Ellis=Marine who was a drunk, too wild for real service even in the
pre-WWII era, active duty status uncertain, and predicted the entire
Japanese invasion to a T. There was another E-mail from the LtCol not
in this string that promised the maximum punishment.

Capt Scott Shane,
Regimental Combat Team 1 Embedded Training Team S-2 Mentor

SIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.smil.mil
NIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.mil

RCT-1, HQ CO Embedded Training Team
Unit #40145
FPO, AP 96427-0145


-----Original Message-----
And once we get assured that we'll get that cash what do we do...nothing
at all because that is the only goal.

Capt Scott Shane,
Regimental Combat Team 1 Embedded Training Team S-2 Mentor

SIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.smil.mil
NIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.mil

RCT-1, HQ CO Embedded Training Team
Unit #40145
FPO, AP 96427-0145

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 04:32
To: Casanova GySgt (RCT-1 ETT); Arauzarios SSgt Alejandro (RCT-1
S-3 ETT); Davidson Maj Christopher E (RCT-1 ETT XO); Brawny Capt Graham (RCT-1 S-3 SIGNALS OFFICER); Kucera HM1 David; Young GySgt

Christopher (RCT-1 ETT COMM CHIEF); Nowak Capt Stephen (RCT-1 S-3 Ops
O); Love 1stLt Daniel C (RCT-5 S-4 MT OFFICER); Arthur Capt Brian
(RCT-1 ETT); Mondt Sgt Michael T (RCT-1 ETT S3A); Neller Maj Shannon J
(RCT-5 S-3 OPS ADVISOR); Soltz CWO2 John Soltz (RCT-1 S-4 MOTOR-T MAINT
OFFICER); Valquist LtCol Andrew (RCT-1 ETT Chief); Kirell HM3 Nicholas P
(RCT-1 ETT)
Cc: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Subject: RE: The Gauntlet

Sigh...and this is why I bow out, not because I am no longer a Marine,
but because the reserves is the only place Marines still reside. The
slightly off-kilter, self-second, brave men who have plenty to lose, but
don't give a shit... Though I still fail to see how they could be pissed
about us taking gear not on their CMR, perhaps you are exactly right,
it's not a good career move...It all become about that magical twenty
years...forget winning, forget service, forget what's right, forget fun,
forget the truth, forget having a life, just remember the pension,
anything for a pension, anything for cold-hard-cash
like...well...mercenaries, or like...well...the Afghans. Look how
different we are from them...

Semper Fidelis,
Major Pete Ellis

Capt Scott Shane,
Regimental Combat Team 1 Embedded Training Team S-2 Mentor

SIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.smil.mil
NIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.mil

RCT-1, HQ CO Embedded Training Team
Unit #40145
FPO, AP 96427-0145


-----Original Message-----
From: Casanova GySgt (RCT-1 ETT)
Sent: Monday, August 15, 2011 20:33
To: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR); Arauzarios SSgt Alejandro
(RCT-1 S-3 ETT); Davidson Maj Christopher E (RCT-1 ETT XO); Brawny Capt
Graham (RCT-1 S-3 SIGNALS OFFICER); Kucera HM1 David; Young GySgt

Christopher (RCT-1 ETT COMM CHIEF); Nowak Capt Stephen (RCT-1 S-3 Ops
O); Love 1stLt Daniel C (RCT-5 S-4 MT OFFICER); Arthur Capt Brian
(RCT-1 ETT); Mondt Sgt Michael T (RCT-1 ETT S3A); Neller Maj Shannon J
(RCT-5 S-3 OPS ADVISOR); Soltz CWO2 John Soltz (RCT-1 S-4 MOTOR-T MAINT
OFFICER); Valquist LtCol Derek (RCT-1 ETT Chief); Kirell HM3 Nicholas P
(RCT-1 ETT)
Subject: RE: The Gauntlet

Don't think it would be a good "career move" if you got caught stealing
the gear. Yeah, great quote from Krulak. I'll give you another one,
"You're not a real Marine until you have had an NJP" --- Chesty Puller.
May have been sound back in his day, but if you get an NJP these days
your career slows down dramaticially. I say good on the people who
exercised good judgment and didn't put themselves out there for
something stupid the last few weeks we are here. But that's just me.
I'm a grumpy old Gunny.



-----Original Message-----
From: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Sent: Monday, August 15, 2011 08:23
To: Casanova GySgt Louis (RCT-1 ETT); Arauzarios SSgt Alejandro (RCT-1
S-3 ETT); Davidson Maj Christopher E (RCT-1 ETT XO); Brawny Capt
Graham (RCT-1 S-3 SIGNALS OFFICER); Kucera HM1 David; Young GySgt

Christopher (RCT-1 ETT COMM CHIEF); Nowak Capt Stephen (RCT-1 S-3 Ops
O); Love 1stLt Daniel C (RCT-5 S-4 MT OFFICER); Arthur Capt Brian
(RCT-1 ETT); Mondt Sgt Michael T (RCT-1 ETT S3A); Neller Maj Shannon J
(RCT-5 S-3 OPS ADVISOR); Soltz CWO2 John Soltz (RCT-1 S-4 MOTOR-T MAINT
OFFICER); Valquist LtCol Derek (RCT-1 ETT Chief); Kirell HM3 Nicholas P
(RCT-1 ETT)
Cc: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Subject: The Gauntlet

Gentlemen,

We have a problem of khootsba, or balls, or shall I just come out and
say it, we have a pussy problem.

Let me explain what I mean. Per the E-mail string below, and per the
attached conops, tonight at 0500 I was planning to heist the gym
equipment that the MWSS stole in Feb so that RCT-5 would have something
to work out on and so that the fat-asses from MWSS could burn some
calories walking to their new mainside gym. I was not going to inform
the LtCol because I wanted him to have plausible deniability. This was
going to be a fun evolution that would right a wrong and be memorable.
Here's the rub. I can't do this without seven Marines, and I could only
find three other Marines with the balls to pull this caper.

Gentlemen, I feel it is my duty to throw this gauntlet down. If this
gym equipment is still in that gym by the time RCT-5 gets here we are a
bunch of pussies. They stole it. We can keep it here. They are leaving
in early Sept to mainside, we are leaving the same time. They are
RIPing out. There are a million good reasons, but most of all this will
be fun as shit and semi-dangerous. I need six Marines with balls to
come with me. Two to lift on the gym side, two on top of the HESCO, two
to load and one as a watch. We are following in a proud Marine heritage
of reappropriating gear to the greater good-General Krulak et all.

Don't be a Pussy,
Capt S



-----Original Message-----
From: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Sent: Sunday, August 14, 2011 10:43
To: Love 1stLt Daniel C (RCT-5 S-4 MT OFFICER)
Cc: Neller Maj Shannon J (RCT-5 S-3 OPS ADVISOR); Valquist LtCol Derek
(RCT-1 ETT Chief); Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Subject: FW: Old Dwyer Gym/showers

Lt Love,

FYI. I came up with nothing when I spoke to Capt Chau. I've come up
with nothing here. Perhaps you will have more luck, or perhaps you
would like to pursue the options from MSgt Sumida.

The final option is perhaps the most fun. I am happy run a covert op if
it helps your team. As Krulak said, institutional theft is a part of
our heritage, and since it doesn't belong to anybody...

R,

Capt Scott Shane
Regimental Combat Team 1 Embedded Training Team S-2 Mentor

SIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.smil.mil
NIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.mil

RCT-1, HQ CO Embedded Training Team
Unit #40145
FPO, AP 96427-0145


-----Original Message-----
From: Sumida MSgt Ryan N (Camp Dwyer Mayor)
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 21:13
To: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Cc: Andazola Jr SSgt Miguel E (RCT-5 BOS-I CAMP OPERATIONS CHIEF);
Hawkins Capt Jon W (RCT-5 HQ COMPANY COMMANDER
Subject: RE: Old Dwyer Gym/showers

Understand the cynicism. I felt it too when I wrote my reply to you.
How long can I promise a shower and latrine for these guys? We had the
shower system, only the power was 110 vic3 220 which you are running in
Garmsir.

Unfortunately there is a shortage on what I have available. I can't
readily put anything into your compound as your power will not work with
the rest of my facilities. You are correct that we could use the area
near ANGLICO. I sent over a couple of slides showing the future of Old
Dwyer Development. Will attach it so you can see where it is headed.

As for the fitness equipment, there have always been options to get
equipment, one being to do a JARB package, and the other to see about
using FOO funds. Since you are in direct support of the ANA, it may be
possible to use FOO money. Worth a inquiry, and worth trying to set up
the next team with a few more creature comforts.

MSgt Sumida

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 19:45
To: Sumida MSgt Ryan N (Camp Dwyer Mayor)
Cc: Andazola Jr SSgt Miguel E (RCT-5 BOS-I CAMP OPERATIONS CHIEF);
Hawkins Capt Jon W (RCT-5 HQ COMPANY COMMANDER; Scott Shane Capt
(RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Subject: RE: Old Dwyer Gym/showers

MSgt,

The shower has been planned for the last year (it's only been 2 weeks
out for the last 52 weeks), so you'll have to forgive my cynicism.

I didn't know the air guys had showers, we'll head over there when the
time comes.

The RCT-5 advon is here, and they are not planning on moving out of Camp
Garmsir. We are all too familiar with odd smells, but mission
first...Moving or not, the gym problem for the fifty Marines on this
side of camp will remain. Any solutions other than letting Marines duke
it out over the shit the Brits made two years ago? We basically need a
bench press, dip bar, and Olympic bar, a triceps machine, some
dumbbells, and any spare cardio you've got.

Personally, I'm going to be off of this camp in a couple weeks and it
doesn't really matter to me, but it isn't fair to the next ETT and
ANGLICO. They already live a with the ANA, and the nearest running
water, chow hall are a mile away, and now they're not even going to have
a place to work out. All while the other side of camp has all of the
amenities in the world, and is about to get a few more because the MWSS
can't walk 200 ft to the existing showers, shitters, and gym on MSide.

R,

Capt Scott Shane
Regimental Combat Team 1 Embedded Training Team S-2 Mentor

SIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.smil.mil
NIPR: Scott.Shane@afg.usmc.mil

RCT-1, HQ CO Embedded Training Team
Unit #40145
FPO, AP 96427-0145

-----Original Message-----
From: Sumida MSgt Ryan N (Camp Dwyer Mayor)
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 18:31
To: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Cc: Andazola Jr SSgt Miguel E (RCT-5 BOS-I CAMP OPERATIONS CHIEF);
Hawkins Capt Jon W (RCT-5 HQ COMPANY COMMANDER
Subject: RE: Old Dwyer Gym/showers

Sir--

There is a shower and latrine unit planned for the ETT in Garmshir.
VMGR also has showers and latrines. As far as the left over gym
equipment, it is not on the camp account, so if they leave anything....

I do not know if you will want to use the shower and latrines for the
Jordanians. We located them there to allow them to maintain their own
personal hygiene standard.

Additionally, there is a new ETT that I have proposed gets nestled in
just between Red Horse and ANGLICO. Red Horse may be leaving around the
end of the year or so from what I am hearing, so that whole compound may
open up as fair game.

MSgt Sumida

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Sent: Thursday, August 11, 2011 15:49
To: Sumida MSgt Ryan N (Camp Dwyer Mayor)
Cc: Scott Shane Capt (RCT-1 S-2 MENTOR)
Subject: Old Dwyer Gym/showers

MSgt,



I'm wondering what your plan is for the gym/showers on Old Dwyer. As
you know the MWSS is moving to mainside, and they will be taking all of
the new gym equipment they procured for themselves, but I'm wondering if
you have a plan for the equipment that was left over from the old dwyer
gym? ANGLICO, Harvest Hawk, ETT, et all are still over here, and
Anglico is probably the most centrally located of us if we pop up a GP
tent. Same-same with shower facilities. If the MWSS takes the old 3rd
Infantry Division Army showers with them, then do you have a plan for
the rest of us? Is new stuff going to be brought in for the Jordanians,
or what? I think that Red Horse has a gym and showers, but they don't
play well with others, they've told us 'good luck' on using the showers
in their compound after the MWSS leaves. Any help would be appreciated.




Thanks,

Month 11 Day 21

Notebook entry

Eight reports given

Journal entry
Probably the single biggest waste of a day since we got here.  We
arrived at 0300 in the morning, so I slept in until about 0700, went
to the gym, showered grabbed sandwich. I told Tawoos that the Corps
had a meeting in the morning and that we should try to meet up with
them afterward, but he said that he tried to meet with them and they
bounced out to some other planning meeting. The branch plan was to
work on getting the maps for Garmsir at 1100, but Tawoos decided to go
crew around with one of his friends up here, so that didn’t work.
This Thurs is normally a half-day no work was accomplished in the
afternoon either.

I basically spent the day catching up on E-mails, and working on my
book proposal at the end of the day I watched Monty Python and the
quest for the Holy Grail.  That was a hoot.

Month 11 Day 8

Notebook entry

22 reports given, e-mail catch-up, early out, weapons cleaning, curious case, shaking one-on-one.

Journal entry

I did my normal Friday routine.  I slept in until 0630, caught up on E-mails, cleaned my weapon.  I tried to talk to Suzan in the morning, but she was out.  I watched the Curious Case of Benjamin Button in the afternoon.  I thought it was good, but for all of the hype it wasn’t great. 

I worked on networking and contacting recruiters because of the new order that talks about the ability to get out 12 mo before your EAS. 

The only thing of significance was the LtCol deflecting a 1 on 1 with the SecDef.  He used the reason that he did not want to offend the general by meeting with him alone as an ETT.  Capt Nowak was also personally invited to a luncheon with the SecDef and was told to ignor it on the procedural grounds that the requirement needed to be provided to the team, and that we would source it.  Instead we are doing the walkabout with the SecDef and that’s it.  This pissed off Brian, Graham and me.  Its annoying because the man seems to be trying to get to ground truth, and is doing it the best way possible, removing the brass and having one on ones with the people with experience.  I spoke to the Colonel about it this morning (the 9^th) (I should not disguise how difficult this was to do it is not a comfortable situation to talk to a man many years your senior, who outranks you by a significant degree, but I figured I was asking him to do the same thing, and the issue was significant enough--not being entirely honest with the civilians who run the military--that I decided to confront him on it) and he said this was not the forum to address these concerns.   He said that he was going to bring up the ethnicity and logistic issues that they were having, but was not going to bring up corruption, personalities, etc because those issues are too micro-but a 240 Bravo class is somehow strategic?  He said that I could go to the luncheon if I liked and air my concerns.  I think that I will, and I think that I will find a nerd and chew his ear off about how this level of command is nonfunctional.  After I was done talking to him he yelled at Capt Arthur and Capt Brawny for not having the balls to talk to him, I wasn't trying to incite that. 

I also got into it with Capt Brawny about David Ricardo and the theory of comparative advantage.  I proved to him mathematically.  He’s like ‘when they closed the Caterpillar plant in IL, that screwed hundreds of people’ sigh, his Republicanism is founded in shock-jocks, and anecdotal evident not economics.  I occasionally forget that he is impervious to logic on anything that remotely approached politics.  Brian picked up where I left off being an econ major, I put in my headphones and finished watching my movie.

Month 11 Day 1

Notebook entry

11 reports given, work-up, cleaned weapon, tried to fix assignment, met Bernie and agreed to meet

Journal entry

I slept in until 0703, cut my hair.  Shit shower shaved.  I talked to one of the Nepalese guys who was working on cleaning the bathroom.  He said that a bunch of them were recruited from Dubai where they were working, and that they made $4.50 per hour. 

I came back talked to Suzan, cleaned my rifle, pistol, and ammo. 

I caught up on E-mails, and tried to work my assignment to MEF as opposed to 11th Marines. 

Watched 'The Bucket list' it was pretty well acted, but the scenarios are so hard to relate to, that it would be difficult to think it were done badly.  It sure would have been fun to film though.

Had trouble falling asleep because of the assignment thing.  It is really pissing me off.  It really doesn't matter how hard you work in the USMC, they are going to put you wherever they have a slot, not where you fit best or where you want to go.  It is totally random.  

Month 10 Day 15

Notebook entry

Combined Battle update brief, Afghan national security forces meeting, 11 of 40 lieutenants arrived, British sync training at kandak level, cannot articulate what you want, man longs for God, can't ask Afghans about life purpose.

Journal entry

I went to the combined battle update brief today.  They do their briefs very similar to how we do ours.  That is, one week they will do it at the ANA compound and the next week they will to it at the Division compound.  The only real difference is that they have a bunch of high-speed kit that allows them to get the words translated for them at the same time and theirs goes on a Wednesday. 

Before the BUB I spoke to Col Omar, he is going to Kabul for a ‘week’ he will bring the HUMINT funding with him. This is all bullshit, I’m sure he’s going up there to fuck off and he will not bring shit back with him.

We did the ANSF development G-2 Deep dive.  ANSF is a funny animal.  It has it’s own designator up here, C-10.  They are charged with developing all of the ANA forces, but their role is pretty unclear, they make a bunch of reports, and they talk about long-term goals, but what they actually add to the process is unclear in my opinion.  Anyway, after the regular meeting was done we did the ‘deep dive’ meaning they were trying to get to the ground truth about what was going on with all of the Brigades.  The Brits are doing the best.  They have intel advisors at each of their kandaks, they are much closer to their tashkil as well for intel, although some of their guys are illiterate, they are much better off than we are.  They have a nice synchronized training program all the way down to the kandak level.  Danny Vassar (RCT-8 Intel Mentor) and Joe Szostak (RCT-8 targeting) were both there as well.  After I was done briefing the standard set of issues about how the brigade was doing i.e.

Personnel: 13%

Equipment: Fine

Planning and direction: the General a muj, and doesn’t know what to expect

Collections: HUMINT source money stolen

Processing: NA

Analysis: none

Production: Human photo copiers.

Danny Vassar said that he was having exactly the same issues and had nothing to add. I’m not the only one.

We talked about potentially testing the guys for literacy, how the Military Intelligence Company is being favored at the expense of the G-2, and the HUMINT money problems.  We also talked about how we all could not get the Afghans to do anything if the Corps did not ask them to do it. These were basically all of the issues that I cared about, I am glad that I got in Maj James Blitz’s  ear and put them on the table.

When we came out I talked to Danny briefly about some of the problems that he is facing in his AO.  He brought up the brand new facility that his guys are moving into and how they have already started to destroy it, again more ass-wiping with rocks.  There is also some friction with the advisors about moving the ANA to the new permanent facility.  It is going to make the life of the advisors more of a pain and make it more inconvenient, so they are resisting the move.  It is another example of “we want to be partnered with the Afghans, so they need to come to us.” The power imbalance here is so dramatic, that these guys don’t even think of themselves as dictatorial imperialists, but they act as bad if not worse than the Brits did 150 years ago.  Apparently the same thing happens up here on leatherneck, one of the Marines General’s aids wanted to know if General Malouk had an appointment to meet with him.  Col Schmitt did the same deal in the LOO sync meeting last week.  The SgtMaj came in and wanted to know if the Col wanted to meet with BGen Shujai, he was already in the building and had come to Col Schmitt, the Col said flatly, ‘no.’ Everyone in the room laughed. What a partner.

I came back, dug into my E-mails, and that is about it.  I worked out in the afternoon as well.  I spoke to Capt Keith Campbell the Military Intel Company Advisor.  It looks like the are going to pull him back over to the G-2 for the Marines.  This is really stupid, they are going to need to retrain him, and part of the issue seems to be simply what type of command relationship that he has with everyone around here. 

After dinner I watched Idiocracy, a movie about how all of the stupid people keep breeding and the smart people end up dying out after about 500 years.  It is mostly bullshit, the effects of education far outweigh genetics, but it was pretty mindless and funny.

I was feeling particularly lazy, so I watched a TED speech after that (I have a couple saved on my computer now thanks to the WiFi at camp Garmsir).  It was Malcolm Gladwell talking about the Man who reinvented Spaghetti Sauce.  Gladwell is not a very good public speaker, but he does make the implications of scientific discovery very clear. He gave two illustrations of something that I think is very important.  First, he talked about spaghetti sauce in the early 1980s it was much closer to authentic Italian pasta sauce, thin, ran to the bottom of the bowl.  When surveyed people thought they liked the authentic one, but when they actually ate the pasta a large portion liked a chunky sauce with ‘visible solids.’ None of these people answered that they liked this originally, but the point is that they didn’t know what they want.  The second illustration regarded coffee.  Most people when surveyed say they want a ‘dark, rich, hearty, roast’  in fact most Americans prefer something ‘thin and milky.’

This is important for a few things.  First with respect to the Afghans.  They probably cannot articulate what they want.  Even being able to speak Dari has not cracked into some type of universal consciousness about what they want out of their lives.  A much better test is how they actually act, and seeing what they choose.

Second and self-applicable. I had a conversation with Brain about this the other night, he brought up CS Lewis’ idea in Mere Christianity that nature never produces a longing that cannot be filled (e.g. hunger can always be sated, the desire to breath can always be met). Richard Dawkins’ argument against this was that the universal human longing for God was probably a malfunction of some other type useful device that advanced your families’ genetic code through group selection (e.g. Don’t climb up the high mountain because the God’s live there also prevented people from climbing up the high mountain to get electrocuted, freeze to death, etc. or “don’t lie because it’s a sin” is helpful for intra-group cooperation, cohesion, and the foundation of society).  Here’s the crossover.  People can’t always articulate what they want (this fact alone destroys all post-modern thinking), but they long after something more, a point to their existence. I have heard a lot of takes on what that point is in the last few days

Rick Warren: the Purpose of your life is to serve God with the fullest of your talents

Tony Robbins: the Purpose of your life is to give and serve others the best way you can

Betty Friedan: Though she never directly articulated this: The reason that women have so many problems is that they are not allowed to self-actualize through challenging work.

They are all really saying the same thing in different ways.  The problem is I’m not really convinced that it is true.  I get as much satisfaction as the next person from working hard using all of my abilities and succeeding.  But what brings me that satisfaction?  Why do I care?  What is the point of all this?  My mind is still fucked up I think.  I used to get really motivated by things.  I used to be a nihilist who focused on death and wanted to make sure that my life was more than the absence of space in granite.  Now, well I just don’t have that long-term drive.  I wonder what caused this?  It started in the first IED attack.  That brief second feeling after the Gunny yelled “Small Arms Fire Left” after the explosion and I asked no one at all “why are you shooting at me? Why do you hate me? I don’t hate you. Why are we playing this game? What an epic waste of all of the investment in myself, in all the Marines in my truck if we die.  Why are we doing this?” In that moment if I had Positive Identification on anyone I would have ordered my Gunner to kill them, I would have called in air support and blown them apart, failing all of that I would have pointed my service pistol or my M4 at them, leveled the sights and killed them.  I did not hesitate, I waited for the PID call from the Gunny, I was ready to engage, but we just weren’t sure.  I don’t know how to feel about this.  I could have killed someone, not a moment of hesitation like a thousand times before, I could have executed a failure-to-stop drill two to the chest and one in the head at 100m or, a hammer-pair from my pistol.  I didn’t, but I could have, hell I could have ordered my Marines to destroy the better part of a city with fire power we had.  I could have, but I didn’t.  What does that make me?  Am I a killer? I didn’t pull the trigger, but I would have and I wonder how that would have felt. I know I would have done it like I had been trained to do, like all automatons in the Corps.  This is the moment we are trained for, at the knife edge you must not fall on the wrong side you must make the decision to kill.  What is the difference then?  Why do I kill, what is it for.  “To die is not a tragedy, but to live a whole life and not find something worth dying for that is the tragedy” that was drilled into my brain eight years ago as a knob at the Citadel.  Is it true? Is any of this true?  I thought I found a cause; I wanted to work for everyone else, to protect the country that I owed so much to, that kept me from growing up in a place like Afghanistan, but I get here an I feel and I think that I am not really doing that.  This could be a drain on our power.  I just don’t get it.  I used to have it all figured out, but now, it’s all confused.  I tried to follow the prescriptions of Friedan, Maslow, Robbins, and Warren, but I just don’t get it.

I feel guilty.  I don’t want to go to the battalions anymore, I don’t want to train their S2s.  I don’t want to take them out on patrol and train them on debriefs. Some of this is practical.  It is really fucking hot here, and I hate the heat, I know that makes me a pussy, but it is just so much more comfortable to stay in on base.  I am becoming one of those institutionalized Marines who enjoys the pleasures of safety, A/C, internet, all while I make oodles more money than those without these amenities (that said), even at the company level some of those guys are living large, even better than I am.  The other thing is I don’t have anything else to prove, I’ve been blown up, shot at, and survived.  I didn’t like it.  Maybe that is the answer to my question above.  I am not a killer, but I will do it (the old end of this sentence was ‘because it is my job’ but is that true?).   Truthfully, I don’t want to do anything more, no one does.  We have two and a half months left and everyone is just out of steam, out of ideas. I just want to go home.  I’m crying now.  I want to go home. 

Does this mean I am weak?  I have not lived a hard life here.  Sure I don’t have running water, but my tent has A/C, I listen to my audio-books on my way to the gym, the food is fantastic.  Other Marines lived much more tough lives in the Pacific.  I don’t even know what I want out of life, but I crave comfort, the internet, nice TED speeches.  What does that mean I am, another prissy American bitch who can’t handle it? 

Maybe I should call this chapter Diastole.  That is when your heart relaxes after a beat.  It presses hard, pushes blood into your aorta, which also contracts, and then for a moment, it relaxes, this is where you get diastolic blood pressure. 

Can I do this?  Can I press on when it sucks? I used to be able to fight the urge for diastole after big events, or nearly all the time because I had a big goal, the Naval Academy, the Rhodes, but now, I’m adrift.  I’m doing what I must, I’m just acting.  I don’t know why I am doing this, any of this.  Maybe it’s not Robbins, or Warren, or Friedan, it’s Hanks in Castaway, you’ve got to keep moving, you’ve got to keep breathing, no cause, even after Helen Hunt fucks your dentist, you just keep going.

I want to know why, or I want out.  Until then it is the Tom Hanks shuffle. 

Am I the only one who is this weak?  Is everyone like this?  Maybe that’s the dirty secret.  Maj Davidson, I look at him, he’s got so much energy, he just got here, he wants to make changes, he wants to fix the camp, fix the ANA, etc.  Everyone else, even the LtCol a wellspring of energy, we are all out of gas.  Maybe other people are like me. If this is a quiet crowd, then I take comfort in the solidarity, but my repose is only momentary.  I always question when everyone is walking the same way as me.  I am not only anti-social, but I question the crowd even as I draw human comfort from it’s existence.  Is this the right way to go?

If this is all fucking pointless, then maybe it is a fine direction to go, Diastole, retire on active duty, and ride this bitch all the way home.  I feel it is wrong.  Is that my self-conditioning? 

I just don’t know, I don’t get it, and I don’t take comfort in anything here.  The only thing I long for is coming back to Suzan, but that doesn’t really help me with my job, now does it?  This thing that everyone says is supposed to give me so much meaning.  I’m doing what most Americans consider to be the highest form of service, I don’t get any satisfaction from it.  Fuck Friedan, Fuck Robbins, Fuck, Maslow, Fuck Warren.  What a crock of shit.  I have dedicated my life to this since I was 14 and it is a fucking lie.  You know what I feel like right now? A good fuck and a nap in someplace cool dry and quiet, like any other big ape.  How’s that for a big idea.

What is all of this for?  What am I for? 

Month 10 Day 10

Notebook entry

19 reports given, Skype up, cleaning, weather to Salim, no well test,.

Journal entry

Slept in, had a shitting night’s sleep.

I got up with Suzan on Skype for the first time in the deployment.  That was awesome.  It was great to see her pretty face.   I have even got a picture of her now on my desktop.

I cleaned my rifle, pistol, ammo, etc, went to chow. 

In the afternoon I caught up on E-mails, gave the weather to Salim, and talk to the other officers about what awards are appropriate for what Marines.  I will be writing on LCpl Lekic and Doc Kucera.

I am also searching around for temporary billets at Del Mar, that took up a fair bit of my time, but  Capt Jason Johnston, who used to be one of my GIOC instructors got back to me and that was helpful.  He thinks he might know some people with lines into there.

No well test was done because they don’t have chlorine.

Easy day.